There are ups and downs

I sense that at this moment in my life, i’m stagnant and motionless. I sit here thinking about how i can get out of the house and make something of myself. It never ever feels inherently possible. I have so much which i can offer to the world and i can never find a way to use it. well, not for money anyway. I really didn’t want to go down this road so soon but it always weighs heavy on my chest.

I feel like conventional help within the system we live in is not very effective. Iv’e been going to the doctors for over ten years and have only ever got the same results. At the moment i have some council workers on my side which i am receiving help from. But i honestly feel like a baby. My depressive epsiodes strip me of all confidence.

I used to be a chef in a city center. since i left the industry, i knew i had a hard road ahead of me. I couldn’t do it anymore, the stress was turning me violent. Catering has a dark side and eventually that blackness consumes you. It can bring out the worst in you and also the best. But i couldn’t do it anymore and i’m still picking up the pieces from all the bad habits i consumed ever since.

I’m here two years later, still in and out of jobs because i’m too uninterested to bare any of it. even on my better days, the process of killing myself seems more plausible than getting on. I struggle to see myself anywhere in five years. i feel its easy to blame these things on anything, which, i always say to myself isn’t proactive. I’ve had to start from the beginning so many times. but it’s because once i’m in a place that is stable, it flat lines. This life isn’t for me, its for the people who have children and houses. But even those people can make something for themselves. I want to help others who feel the same way as me, that is what i’m passionate about. I want to help the people who are struggling to cope. But no one is talking. no one is reaching out. the frightening thought i have is, do all people with depression live out their lives? can we come together and own this devil for what it is? i guess if i’m writing about it, it can be possible. It’s not all about depression though. I’m talking about a lot of the underlying conditions in which we have inherited.

Depression isn’t just about low mood. It can also be about how it affects my thoughts of the future. Feeling helpless and basically not wanting to do anything because it’ll come around again. it is disruptive and debilitating. it stops motivation from sprouting because i think what’s the point in anything. every time depression visits, it leaves a stamp. each stamp has a it’s own weight and i can feel them all. I rarely feel good any more. even going out and walking, eating good food, just getting on isn’t enough. what can i do?

My ambition for these posts is to achieve some feedback. I haven’t spoken to many people about what i go through. My goal is to reach out to people and let them know that they aren’t alone. If anyone can read this and feel a little bit better because they aren’t alone then i will be happy. We are humans and it is healthy to relate to one another. Maybe in the future i could use this space to talk about my own interests and maybe even teach others a thing or two. However that will come in time.


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