I think about suicide way more than I’d like to. The thing is that i know deep down I will never do it. There are times when I feel I’m close to really wanting to do it but there is a force which holds me back. As much as my own mind pushes me towards this notion to end it all, I don’t think I could do it. I do kind of argue that if guns were legal here, I’d have definitely blown my brains out by now. Even that idea is speculation. You can never know for sure.
So I would like to talk here about what actually stops me from committing suicide when I’m for sure wanting to do it. Although to disclose, I did have a close attempt last year. I went straight to my friends afterwards and he took me to the hospital. I Ended up getting therapy for my alcohol use which now, I can manage very easily. I thought stopping the alcohol would be my cure. That it was the alcohol which was the cause of my depression. A year on while managing great, I still have my downfalls.
When I think about suicide. The best thing for me to remember is that even suicide isn’t 100%. Most suicides don’t even kill the person but in fact, it leaves them more fucked up than they were before. Just imagine, finally taking the courage to jumping off a building to then survive and to never be able to walk again. Or you do shoot yourself but wake up a month later with half the IQ you originally had before. Or worse yet, total paralysis where someone would have to do everything for you. You would have to live with the fact that you tried to commit suicide as you thought it was the answer yet your life became much more detrimental because of it.
It will also fuck the people up who knew you. You may feel like no one appreciates you or no one loves you. This is not true. Please just think of one person who will miss you if you left this earth this second. It can be anyone! Because if you ever did kill yoirself, they’d blame themselves for the rest of their lives. People always feel like they can do more. Let them!
I find the concept of suicide so contradictive to life (pretty obvious statement). Why does my mind push to want to kill itself? If anything, doesn’t life need to keep going? Doesn’t my DNA need to reproduce and so suicide should never be a thing? What are we missing? What are the primary driving forces to these actions? And can it be prevented? What is making people feel so bad that they literally want to take their own lives? These are the questions I would like to know more about.