This week has been very productive. I have had to battle through some mental health obstacles. The uphill struggle has turned into a stroll through the lake district rather than Everest which has given me some relief. When my depression turns up at the door, i never know when it will go again. It could be around 3 weeks, maybe 6? the one thing i’m sure of is that it always overstays its bloody welcome. recently my depression has been in short and intense bursts. I have been looking for a job while battling anxiety and going outside has been daunting. especially when i have to be formal to people. i started going for walks. Sometimes the sound of birds help me forget the tangled thoughts for five minutes. Forget the stress of life.
I had an interview this week and afterwards i didn’t feel hopeful at all. My thoughts were always picking out the worse which happened in the interview. Did i say the wrong things? Did they pick up on any awkwardness? despite ragging my brain through barbed wire for 2 days, i eventually had a phone call confirming i had received the job. I can finally relax a little better now knowing i will have work coming my way. What more is that i have been accepted to do an exam for an online job too. It means i can work full time. Half at home when ever i want and half with a company. This is extremely exciting for me as i can work around my mental health if it ever takes a dip. Hopefully this means i can stay in the same line of work for more than 6 months. My goal is to do this for a whole year and pay off all my debt.
If you are going through a rough patch please note that patience is key. It is hard to feel any hope when your are depressed but learn from me that if you just wait a little longer, things will change for the better. So if you feel like you can’t go on any longer, then just wait 2 or 3 more days. Things can change!
The past month has been a pretty turbulent one. I was signed off from my old job by my doctor and i took the opportunity to quit my job and move in with my partner. It was all pretty sudden as we both came to the decision together within a couple of days of talking about it. We both lived in separate towns and we would travel to see each other. It broke the week up and was a nice routine as we both worked full time jobs. I have been out of work for nearly a month now and i am about ready to get back to work. I have a job interview on Monday and i do hope i get it as it is rather good pay for the type of job it is.
A month ago when i had to be signed off work, my depression hit pretty hard. I have had about 3-4 depressive episodes this year which is the most iv’e had in such a short space of time. I have been up and down like a yo-yo and it was really taking it’s toll on me. I believe i was having these episodes because of my job. It was physically demanding which wasn’t so bad as it did keep me fit. The thing which broke me down was the amount of toxic mentality in the work place. These sorts of things you can brush off if it’s in small amounts. however when it is constantly going on it can build up and become very stressful. The stress eventually built up and played havoc on my mental health.
So eventually i had to leave yet another job. It’s all OK because i got through it all and i am now living with my partner. I’ve been here for three weeks and i have an interview with a job that i actually want. I’m pretty excited because i can finally work part time and still get a half decent wage. It means i can focus more on myself and work around a positive lifestyle. Having my own time if important to keep my head at bay as i can focus on positive activities rather than only thinking about work. It’s easy to loose your head in the net of chaotic thoughts once the balance is tipped, and i have been tipped too many times this year. If i do get this job, i can work on a more balanced life. I couldn’t have achieved this without my partner. Although it is up to me to get things done, it’s always good to have reliable help along the way.
My point here is that you don’t have to carry on the way you are going if you are unhappy. Maybe you feel trapped and lost in life and need that time off to find your head. It’s all possible and you’re allowed the time off to get your mind together. Ask someone at work or see a GP to get time off. You are allowed to do it. It can be hard but there are ways to get around these slumps. I got round mine and it is starting to pay off. Fingers crossed it all works out 🙂
I sense that at this moment in my life, i’m stagnant and motionless. I sit here thinking about how i can get out of the house and make something of myself. It never ever feels inherently possible. I have so much which i can offer to the world and i can never find a way to use it. well, not for money anyway. I really didn’t want to go down this road so soon but it always weighs heavy on my chest.
I feel like conventional help within the system we live in is not very effective. Iv’e been going to the doctors for over ten years and have only ever got the same results. At the moment i have some council workers on my side which i am receiving help from. But i honestly feel like a baby. My depressive epsiodes strip me of all confidence.
I used to be a chef in a city center. since i left the industry, i knew i had a hard road ahead of me. I couldn’t do it anymore, the stress was turning me violent. Catering has a dark side and eventually that blackness consumes you. It can bring out the worst in you and also the best. But i couldn’t do it anymore and i’m still picking up the pieces from all the bad habits i consumed ever since.
I’m here two years later, still in and out of jobs because i’m too uninterested to bare any of it. even on my better days, the process of killing myself seems more plausible than getting on. I struggle to see myself anywhere in five years. i feel its easy to blame these things on anything, which, i always say to myself isn’t proactive. I’ve had to start from the beginning so many times. but it’s because once i’m in a place that is stable, it flat lines. This life isn’t for me, its for the people who have children and houses. But even those people can make something for themselves. I want to help others who feel the same way as me, that is what i’m passionate about. I want to help the people who are struggling to cope. But no one is talking. no one is reaching out. the frightening thought i have is, do all people with depression live out their lives? can we come together and own this devil for what it is? i guess if i’m writing about it, it can be possible. It’s not all about depression though. I’m talking about a lot of the underlying conditions in which we have inherited.
Depression isn’t just about low mood. It can also be about how it affects my thoughts of the future. Feeling helpless and basically not wanting to do anything because it’ll come around again. it is disruptive and debilitating. it stops motivation from sprouting because i think what’s the point in anything. every time depression visits, it leaves a stamp. each stamp has a it’s own weight and i can feel them all. I rarely feel good any more. even going out and walking, eating good food, just getting on isn’t enough. what can i do?
My ambition for these posts is to achieve some feedback. I haven’t spoken to many people about what i go through. My goal is to reach out to people and let them know that they aren’t alone. If anyone can read this and feel a little bit better because they aren’t alone then i will be happy. We are humans and it is healthy to relate to one another. Maybe in the future i could use this space to talk about my own interests and maybe even teach others a thing or two. However that will come in time.
This is what i try and tell myself when i’m in bed and thinking about killing myself. These ideologies pop in and out of my head space like sub atomic particles. I guess depression is a little like quantum mechanics in a sense that it is very difficult to understand and there’s no way of examining it directly to get an answer. Life on the other hand can be beautiful. I have a very understanding partner and my life in terms of comfort is very..well..comfortable. I don’t have much money and it doesn’t bother me too much. read a book, have sex, eat good food, simple things, right?
I would like to offer advice and gain advice from people who have horrid depressive episodes. I would like to share what makes me feel better with you. I don’t take antidepressants. my reasons are my own and i will talk about that another time. My goal is to create a consistent lifestyle for myself. I’ve been through plenty of lifestyles. some positive and some pretty ugly.
In this Blog i am going to share every shitty thing that has happened since i started getting depression. Also, i will share the better things too as it can’t always be glum around here. I feel i have enough stories to get through. My point will be that despite all of these stories, i still exist to tell them. I have been close to suicide more than a dozen times. The feeling to end it all can feel so close I have felt the breath of death himself. I know deep down that i wont but it’s ever too reassuring when the god of low moods visits. Maybe through my stories you can relate and it may help you. however, this is my way of reaching out and talking about my mental health in a positive way. men are dying, it’s a bigger problem than we think.
Also i am going to stick to this blog until it has reached it’s goal. I may do a post a day or five. even so, i’ll do it as i see fit. Screw the rules and i hope i’ll learn a thing or two along the way. It may even help me when i’m feeling at my lowest. Or maybe i just want to meet others who are like myself. I also want to improve on my writing skills and i do hope you enjoy what i have to write. thanks.